clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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