I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
