I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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