the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
