Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
