I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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