Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
