Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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