Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
