i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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