he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
