its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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