.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
