nut hugger
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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