I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
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