my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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