dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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