Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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