I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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