My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
