you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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