You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
