Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Randomize
