My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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