wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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