wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
