I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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