Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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