I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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