Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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