So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
