I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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