It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
