If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
