You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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