Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
