I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
