woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
