How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
