I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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