You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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