I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize