he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
