And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
