I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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