I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
