i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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