i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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