i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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