the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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