too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
