um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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