That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
