i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just gift wrapped bread.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
