drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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