Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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