Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
