I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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