i already hear my dad disowning me
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
