saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Farmville is her only friend.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
