Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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