I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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