Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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