I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
