@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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