My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize