o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
