I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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