just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
