I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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